Step One: Nursing Home Follies
What better place
to find a whole gang of oldies just ripe for the scaring? With
the right plan, the fun waiting to be had in a nursing home is
immeasurable. Our personal favorite thing to do at a nursing
home is to dress up like the grim reaper and just sort of roam
the halls. Enter the room of a bedridden senior and just stand
there, looking down at them for a while. Then, point solemnly
at their heart. The terror in their eyes will be all the
reward you need.
Step Two: Join The Family
Another fun thing to do
in a nursing home is to walk around until you are asked the
inevitable question of whether or not you are someone's
grandchild. When this happens, you should say "Grandma!" and
give the little old lady a huge hug. Try to weasel your way
into a conversation with your new grandmother. Tell her that
you have an exciting career in the porn industry and that you
live above a bar downtown. When she asks about the rest of
your family, drop the real bomb. Tell her that the rest of her
family died in a plane crash and that she is going to be
coming to live with you. If that doesn't frighten her, nothing
will.
Step Three: Scream and Shout
Old people are
inherently afraid of any one who is loud and obnoxious,
therefore it will be beneficial to always speak in an
extremely loud voice. Wave your hands about in a maniacal
fashion and say a lot of words like "blood" and "rock and
roll" to increase the effect.
Step Four: Cause Guilt
Though you would never
guess from looking at their pathetically sweet faces, most old
people have a skeleton or two in their closet -- especially
older men who have been in the service and haven't been quite
honest with the high school sweetheart they later married.
Going up to old men, pointing at them and yelling "you oughta
be ashamed of yourself!" is a very effective means of
frightening the seniors. With any luck they will think that
you somehow know of their indiscretion and spend the rest of
the day reliving the guilt they once felt.
Step Five: Make Them Feel Even Older
Even more
satisfying than scaring old people, is scaring the ones who
are near and dear to you. One sure-fire technique is to
convince them that they are in even worse shape then they
really are. Start talking very quiet all the time, play the TV
as quietly as possible, and when they ask you to repeat
something, pretend as if you are yelling at the top of your
lungs. If your grandparent has a hearing aid, try to hang out
behind them and make a constant buzzing noise over their
shoulder. When they adjust their hearing aid, stop making the
sound for a few minutes and then start again. The hilarity
that ensues will be enough to bust even the most steadfast of
guts.
Following these five steps should get you well on your way to being an object of dread for all seniors. The most important thing to remember though, is this; have fun. If you're not having fun when your scaring old people, then why are you doing it in the first place?
(note to idiots: we're kidding.)