How to Scare Old People

Note:This article was taken from dailyradar.com , I'm not the one that wrote it.
Aaaah scaring old people, one of Americas most beloved past-times, probably. Recent studies have shown that most Americans scare at least seven old people per day, whether it's intentionally or not. Why do we like to torment the elderly so? Is it because their prunelike faces get even more wrinkly and cute when they're terrified, or is it just because they're old and helpless and hence, a lot of fun to antagonize? Whatever the reason, below we've listed a step-by-step procedure to become the definitive Scarer of the Elderly(tm). Try them out and send us your ideas.

Step One: Nursing Home Follies
What better place to find a whole gang of oldies just ripe for the scaring? With the right plan, the fun waiting to be had in a nursing home is immeasurable. Our personal favorite thing to do at a nursing home is to dress up like the grim reaper and just sort of roam the halls. Enter the room of a bedridden senior and just stand there, looking down at them for a while. Then, point solemnly at their heart. The terror in their eyes will be all the reward you need.

Step Two: Join The Family
Another fun thing to do in a nursing home is to walk around until you are asked the inevitable question of whether or not you are someone's grandchild. When this happens, you should say "Grandma!" and give the little old lady a huge hug. Try to weasel your way into a conversation with your new grandmother. Tell her that you have an exciting career in the porn industry and that you live above a bar downtown. When she asks about the rest of your family, drop the real bomb. Tell her that the rest of her family died in a plane crash and that she is going to be coming to live with you. If that doesn't frighten her, nothing will.

Step Three: Scream and Shout
Old people are inherently afraid of any one who is loud and obnoxious, therefore it will be beneficial to always speak in an extremely loud voice. Wave your hands about in a maniacal fashion and say a lot of words like "blood" and "rock and roll" to increase the effect.

Step Four: Cause Guilt
Though you would never guess from looking at their pathetically sweet faces, most old people have a skeleton or two in their closet -- especially older men who have been in the service and haven't been quite honest with the high school sweetheart they later married. Going up to old men, pointing at them and yelling "you oughta be ashamed of yourself!" is a very effective means of frightening the seniors. With any luck they will think that you somehow know of their indiscretion and spend the rest of the day reliving the guilt they once felt.

Step Five: Make Them Feel Even Older
Even more satisfying than scaring old people, is scaring the ones who are near and dear to you. One sure-fire technique is to convince them that they are in even worse shape then they really are. Start talking very quiet all the time, play the TV as quietly as possible, and when they ask you to repeat something, pretend as if you are yelling at the top of your lungs. If your grandparent has a hearing aid, try to hang out behind them and make a constant buzzing noise over their shoulder. When they adjust their hearing aid, stop making the sound for a few minutes and then start again. The hilarity that ensues will be enough to bust even the most steadfast of guts.

Following these five steps should get you well on your way to being an object of dread for all seniors. The most important thing to remember though, is this; have fun. If you're not having fun when your scaring old people, then why are you doing it in the first place?

(note to idiots: we're kidding.)

- Garrett Kenyon