Congratulations, friend, if you are
reading this, it's likely that you've made the wise decision
to join a section of society whose past extends to the
earliest reaches of human history. The dick. He is an enigma,
an ever-present foil of humanity. The influence of the dick is
wide reaching and ever present. He isn't malicious or evil, he
is simply a dick. When Mal, the first recorded dick threw a
wolfskin of water on the first fire of his tribe in 100,000
B.C., he started a tradition that would spawn a proud heritage
and extend its power into the farthest reaches of the earth.
Being a dick isn't really something that can be taught, rather it must be felt. An instinct; a gut feeling for how to piss people off. If one feels the dick strongly within him at an early age, he must cultivate that dick, strengthen it through frequent use. Procrastination is the biggest enemy of the hopeful dick. Every minute spent not offending people is a minute wasted. Follow these instructions, and within weeks, you can be the envy of your entire neighborhood:
Step One: Humiliation
The first and foremost way
to pick a dick out of any crowd is by the instantly apparent
amount of humiliation that he dishes out to the people around
him. The simplest form of dickery, and therefore the most
commonly practiced; humiliation can range from the mildly
disconcerting to the soul crushing. The first and easiest way
to sharpen up your humiliation tactics is by working on your
pointing and laughing skills. Nobody likes to be
laughed at. The uncomfortable feeling that one experiences
while being laughed at is heightened exponentially when the
person laughing is pointing a finger directly at his subject,
indicating to everyone present exactly who is being laughed
at. It's recommended that you practice this technique for a
good three weeks. It's easy to learn, fun to do, and it will
come in handy as you reach higher levels of dickery, or
dickheadedness.
Step Two: Pointing Out Obvious Faults Another long-esteemed method of being a dick, pointing out obvious faults works on many levels. Loudly yelling that someone's pants are unzipped or that they have an unpopped whitehead on their forehead, serve as two palpable examples, but the practice goes even deeper. When honed razor sharp, the skill of pointing out obvious faults (or poofing, as it is called in the industry) can be a very powerful thing. It's strongest when it's a continual thing. It isn't enough to simply say "nice car" to the guy who pulls up to work in an '87 Chevy Cavalier. Try saying it every day for an entire year. In a short time you will see how the simple phrase "nice car" has increased in inherent dickness when repeated exponentially.
Step Three: The Classics
Dismissed by many
professional dicks as mainstream and overused, the classic
premeditated acts of dickfoolery will never go out of
style. Some obvious and popular examples are:
- Driving by long lines of people waiting for a movie and shouting the surprise ending out the window at them. When practicing this timeless classic, be sure to mention any characters who die in the movie as well.
- Changing people's bookmarks. No explanation needed.
- Spilling peoples drinks on purpose and refusing to buy them another. A recent variation on this approach involves burning the person on the back of the neck with your cigarette as they angrily walk away.
- Urinating in peoples' icetrays. Actually, urinating in just about anything besides a toilet constitutes dickish behavior, but emptying a tray full of your cube shaped urine onto their counter will usually cause your target the most mental anguish. The true dick, however, will urinate in a friend's bottle of mouthwash, shampoo, cough medicine or anything that will be ingested by the subject or rubbed on his body. If you try to accomplish this rather difficult practice, don't tell your subject what you did until you are sure that he/she has used all of the offending product.
Step Four: The Absurd Once you have mastered the classics, you can start moving into other more complicated forms of dickitude. While these practices are more effective, if not done with a certain amount of finesse, they will only be funny to the people around you. Remember, the dick never wishes to be funny unless it heightens the discomfort of the people around him. One of the most popular freestyle forms of dickery is the absurd. Perhaps the least constrictive of all styles, The absurd dick will do things that have no rational explanation and apparently benefit nobody (least of all, the dick himself) but are nevertheless dickhead things to do. Some recently documented examples include a young man at a party in Cleveland who offered to hold a young lady's long hair while she vomited in the toilet. While she was bent over, the young man proceeded to vomit all over her long blonde hair. Another man in New York was said to dress up and attend the weddings of complete strangers. When the preacher would ask if anyone objected to the wedding the man would go on a loud tirade, using words like money-hungry, dishonest and golden shower, after which he would storm out of the church. The Absurd Dick conquers and vacates, he leaves his victims feeling helpless and confused and weaves, predatorlike, through the city searching for his next target.