How to be a dick

Note:This article was taken from dailyradar.com, I'm not the one that wrote it.
Congratulations, friend, if you are reading this, it's likely that you've made the wise decision to join a section of society whose past extends to the earliest reaches of human history. The dick. He is an enigma, an ever-present foil of humanity. The influence of the dick is wide reaching and ever present. He isn't malicious or evil, he is simply a dick. When Mal, the first recorded dick threw a wolfskin of water on the first fire of his tribe in 100,000 B.C., he started a tradition that would spawn a proud heritage and extend its power into the farthest reaches of the earth.

Being a dick isn't really something that can be taught, rather it must be felt. An instinct; a gut feeling for how to piss people off. If one feels the dick strongly within him at an early age, he must cultivate that dick, strengthen it through frequent use. Procrastination is the biggest enemy of the hopeful dick. Every minute spent not offending people is a minute wasted. Follow these instructions, and within weeks, you can be the envy of your entire neighborhood:

Step One: Humiliation
The first and foremost way to pick a dick out of any crowd is by the instantly apparent amount of humiliation that he dishes out to the people around him. The simplest form of dickery, and therefore the most commonly practiced; humiliation can range from the mildly disconcerting to the soul crushing. The first and easiest way to sharpen up your humiliation tactics is by working on your pointing and laughing skills. Nobody likes to be laughed at. The uncomfortable feeling that one experiences while being laughed at is heightened exponentially when the person laughing is pointing a finger directly at his subject, indicating to everyone present exactly who is being laughed at. It's recommended that you practice this technique for a good three weeks. It's easy to learn, fun to do, and it will come in handy as you reach higher levels of dickery, or dickheadedness.

Step Two: Pointing Out Obvious Faults Another long-esteemed method of being a dick, pointing out obvious faults works on many levels. Loudly yelling that someone's pants are unzipped or that they have an unpopped whitehead on their forehead, serve as two palpable examples, but the practice goes even deeper. When honed razor sharp, the skill of pointing out obvious faults (or poofing, as it is called in the industry) can be a very powerful thing. It's strongest when it's a continual thing. It isn't enough to simply say "nice car" to the guy who pulls up to work in an '87 Chevy Cavalier. Try saying it every day for an entire year. In a short time you will see how the simple phrase "nice car" has increased in inherent dickness when repeated exponentially.

Step Three: The Classics
Dismissed by many professional dicks as mainstream and overused, the classic premeditated acts of dickfoolery will never go out of style. Some obvious and popular examples are:

Step Four: The Absurd Once you have mastered the classics, you can start moving into other more complicated forms of dickitude. While these practices are more effective, if not done with a certain amount of finesse, they will only be funny to the people around you. Remember, the dick never wishes to be funny unless it heightens the discomfort of the people around him. One of the most popular freestyle forms of dickery is the absurd. Perhaps the least constrictive of all styles, The absurd dick will do things that have no rational explanation and apparently benefit nobody (least of all, the dick himself) but are nevertheless dickhead things to do. Some recently documented examples include a young man at a party in Cleveland who offered to hold a young lady's long hair while she vomited in the toilet. While she was bent over, the young man proceeded to vomit all over her long blonde hair. Another man in New York was said to dress up and attend the weddings of complete strangers. When the preacher would ask if anyone objected to the wedding the man would go on a loud tirade, using words like money-hungry, dishonest and golden shower, after which he would storm out of the church. The Absurd Dick conquers and vacates, he leaves his victims feeling helpless and confused and weaves, predatorlike, through the city searching for his next target.



- Garrett Kenyon